Subordinates: the filthy male

There is a certain order to things. I lead my life in comfortable compartments: sleep, eat, minimal exercise in the garden, sleep, eat and sleep. This system works well for me, and I see no reason to change it. So when that order becomes disrupted by the arrival of an outsider - and to add insult to injury, a member of the opposite sex - this presents a set of problems.

I do not subscribe to this so-called 'equality of the sexes' nonsense. Females are dominant and males provide only one useful function - and even then, only during breeding season. But let's put such base thoughts aside for now. Let me get to the point.

The introduction of the filthy child 'Monkey' to the household was traumatic for us. Even the imbecile dogs were unsettled by its arrival. Sadly my humans failed to forsee the troubles that were to follow - being too simplistic to understand the basic signals I attempted to give them. Honestly only a complete idiot would fail to realize the significance of furniture-scratching and curtain-tearing. Walking upright seems to have lessened the blood supply to human brains - just my theory of course, but one that is constantly supported by their behaviour on a daily basis.


This Monkey is nothing but an urchin. As a kitten his stench was worse than the dreaded shampoo that my female human insists on harrassing me with every fortnight. He has not improved with age.

It must be something to do with maleness. The sheer ecstasy with which he rolls in his own toiletry is an embarrassment to the species. And yet he is smothered by my female human. She showers affection on him as if it were required for his very survival. I don't understand it myself - for goodness sake, he doesn't even have any pedigree blood in him!

Breeding, my friends - its all about breeding. Even if you don't have it, it can be cultured upon willing individuals.

Take Twinkie for instance (and once upon a time I meant that statement, literally). She was born in a drain. Yes, yes I know - you're asking me how on earth could I associate myself with a drain-dweller. But let me explain - although she arrived looking like something the dog dragged in, after two years of careful nurturing by Yours Truly, she's turned out quite nicely, even if I do say so myself. Don't expect an invigorating discussion about the ergonomic benefits of wicker-basket beds from her - but at least she's well-mannered and satisfactorily groomed.

This monkey creature rants and raves and is a veritable nuisance. Even after the joyous occassion of his neutering, (we had great hopes for him at that point), the loss of his reproductive abilities failed to stop his incessant spraying and questionable toilet rituals. And as far as conversation goes, he makes even that lumbering red canine seem positively Abyssinian! The things that my humans expect me to tolerate, I tell you...


Betrayer to our species: consorting with... dogs

Anyway this Monkey creature is now a permanet fixture in MY home. But that is not the end. Oh no. I will have my day.

(PS: It was not my idea to post pictures of this filthy animal - but was compelled to do so to stop my human's non-stop whining)