Importance of Ownership #2: 'The Food'

'The Food' is important. It's the trigger that wakes me at dawn, the drive that compels me to make it through the day, the pick-me-up that ensures a good 40 winks at noon, and the tonic that sends me to sleep at night. Yes, I take the food very seriously.

This also requires that the source of aforementioned food be guarded unfailingly from anyone. Through years of careful investigation and undercover work, I have discovered the source of the food. It is stored in a tall cupboard-like compartment, which the two-legs call a 'fridge'.

This device produces a seemingly endless supply of food - which is delivered simply by opening its door. No wonder my humans value it so much - they are always opening its door and delving deep into its mystical interior - and my male human pays particular respect to the 'fridge', by making special visits to it at night.

For obvious reasons, this magical contraption must be safeguarded from those poor minds too easily corrupted by its power. So therefore I have taken it upon myself to stand (or lie down - that works well too) guard over this 'fridge'. It is a difficult task, as you can imagine, but an important one nevertheless.

Fortunately for me the other residents here still haven't worked out how to scale the heights of the 'fridge'.

And Twinkie has a preference for bathwater, so she is safe from the influence of this dark magic for the time being.

My heroic efforts are duly rewarded in time - but even eating is an art in itself. Most importantly one must be able to dine in peace and ALONE.

This can be achieved by carefully following these precautionary steps - now repeat after me:

Jelly's Guide to Dining for One:

• approach foodbowl with caution...
• surveying for unwanted spectators...
• quick taste - but eyes still fixed on environs...
• when position is secure - tuck in

If you are able to follow these instructions then you'll be able to avoid that annoying and idiotic concept of 'Sharing' which the humans keep persuading me to follow. I've never understood it myself and I don't intend to start trying now thank you very much.

Now don't forget that good dining manners extend far beyond just viciously defending your food from others. After you have finished the meal, there still is the all-important matter of cleanliness:

And of course to conclude the occasion, one must compliment the providers of 'the food'. In polite society, the greatest compliment is to fall asleep immediately, wherever you are, and remain so for another 3 to 4 hours - by which time the next meal is ready.

Of course you cannot be expected to master these skills overnight, but persevere my friends, and like me, you'll eventually have your humans eating out of your paws.


(My human takes notes well)